Sorry for not updating in a while.. I just haven't felt up to writing much. I probably won't keep a recording of my day to day life, so I guess this is appropriate. A lot has happened, though.. I'm not sure if I am going to say everything that 'has' happened 'cause I feel pretty down at the moment. I'm not even sure why.. Well, I guess I could think of a couple of reasons...

I finally got to talk to Lance yesterday. He's the one who helped me with.. my relationship problem with Anthony. I am afriad that if I hadn't talked to him, I would still be stuck, suffocating inside of that relationship. The funny thing is.. A partial reason of me breaking it off with Anthony was because part of me wanted to go after Lance. Anyway.. Afterwards, I wasn't able to talk to Lance very much.. and I sort of gave up hope on ever talking to him again. Now that I am able to, I felt a little better.. But today I found out that he's given up on himself. It makes me sad.. and angry at the same time. I'm sad.. because I hate to think that he has suffered so much. So much needless.. suffering. I'm mad because I can't do anything about it. I can't fight off his fate, and he doesn't have the strength to do it any longer. These words can't express the true emotion I feel at the moment. I don't think anything can really capture someones emotion into words.. Even if they were spoken. Sometimes it just hurts too much.. I actually started crying today.. I can't remember the last time I cried..

I don't know why it makes me so sad.. I don't even know much about the guy. I'm guessing.. I'm sad because it reminds me so much of myself. It reminds me of everything that I am going through. It makes me realize just how helpless I am. Everything.. It makes me want to cry even more.

Another reason why I feel down is the fact that I am so lonely.. The type of loneliness that I feel isn't the kind that can be cured by friends. I now realize this. The problem that lies within this is that I don't -want- a deeper relationship. I don't want to have another boyfriend or a girlfriend.. Not yet. But I still feel this way..

Ryan wants me to be his girlfriend.. I think that he is a really great guy. I really do. I'm just not sure if I could ever see myself inside of a relationship with him. At the moment.. I just want it to be a friendship. Nothing more.. Nothing less.

I guess I will update tomorrow.. Or Monday. It'll depend on when I get the chance and if I feel like it. So.. I guess I will end it for now.. Good night.

-Yawnage.- I had a good nap today.. but I woke up with this stomach ache. I had eaten earlier, and I fell asleep while I was still digesting. Bleh. I feel like I have a rock sitting inside of my tummeh. I can't do much about it now, though. Meh.

I started looking through Blogrings today. I joined one, and I have found some pretty interesting people to watch. Hah. Yeah.. It's like me to watch people but never talk to them. I might leave a comment sometimes.. but it would be completely erratic. Damn my.. anti-social tendencies mixed in with the feelings of longing for social recognition.

Hm.. Today at school was like every other day, I guess. In 1st period I rode in the car with the drivers ed teacher and his student. I wasn't supposed to go driving, but they need two people inside of the car, and I wasn't dressing.. so I was the lucky candidate to go. I ended up falling asleep in the back seat.. Whee. But I think that made me feel tired for the rest of the day. x_X

The teacher likes to get a bit personal.. He was asking me what I did after shcool and stuff like that. I told him that it depends on how I feel that day, but I usually take a nap. He went off on how he would have me vacuum the floor at three, after school, and teach me how to mow the lawn and weed eat. Oo; It was.. odd. My parents never force things like that on me, but I sometimes wish they would show me that kind of interest in my life.

Mom - Never home.

Dad - Does his own thing..

-Shrugs.- Anyway.. 2nd period I did nothing. As usual. I'm going to fail that class no matter what I do, so I just sit there and role play with Alyssa every now and then. The teacher doesn't care either. I think she understands how I feel. Ah-heh..

3rd period was probably the most eventful class of the day. I say this because that is the only class that is actually like a real -class-. We're learning about Edgar Allan Poe.. I've always known about him, but I can honestly say that I have never given him too much thought. Now I feel as if I have gotten a sudden interest in him. I can't wait to read more of his stories and shiz. Even though I've read The Tell Tale Heart at least ten times.. Haha. Along with The Raven and others.. This time I get to read the ones I HAVEN'T gotten to read. Yays..

4th period is art.. and I do nothing I am supposed to do in there. The teacher doesn't care much though. He sometimes bugs me about not doing stuff, but he leaves me be most of the time. - I started a new drawing of a dude tied down to the floor.. and I have it so the ropes form a diamon shape. It's pretty cool.. I'mma finish it tomorrow.

Ugh.. I feel empty. I desperately feel as if I need to grasp onto something, but I have nothing to grab. I don't even know what I want to hold on to. I think it might be someone, but I am not sure. All I know is that I don't need to get into another relationship at the moment. I need to get my life at a more healthy pace, and I need to learn how to depend on myself. I just have a hard time trusting/believing in myself. -Sigh.- .. It's how it always is.

~Keeping his eyes and heart open, he would find that there were many a beauty in the world. Keeping his mind and ears open, he would find that the beauty was simply a facade.~

Ahahaha.. Freakazoid. Hmm.. Sometimes Madonna's voice is really annoying. o_o;

I guess it is time for me to wear this thing out like I used to do with livejournal. Hm.. I'm not even sure if I am up to posting such long entries like I used to, but I think I will most likely return to the habit.

I feel odd typing into this small box. Hah. Oh well.. I like the change.

I'm not sure how I am feeling at the moment. I know I am really tired.. I stayed up on the phone with David from 12:00 AM to 4:00 AM. I had a nice conversation with him, but I wish that it would've gone a bit differently. I feel like if I keep talking to him, I'll be egging him on; just by talking to the guy. He surprised me though.. It sort of hurt me, but I'm okay with it. It would probably be best not to mention it in here, so I won't state the exact thing I am referring to. All I know is that sometimes guys really -do- just think with their penis. Well.. not -all- guys, but I am being proved wrong. It's kind of scary.. Maybe I am wrapped up in my own little dream world? I guess it would make sense.. I wouldn't really know if I was or not, really. I just hope I am not too detached from reality. Despite how cruel it really is..

It doesn't surprise me that Rhiannon hasn't checked my journal yet. I think it only helps me in thinking that she truly doesn't care, but I know she does. She just has A.D.D. Even though she likes to deny that fact. Heh. I dunno.. I just feel odd that she hasn't bothered to look even when I mention the word 'suicide'. I know if my good friend was talking about suicide, I would at least check their journal. But that's me.. and people are different..

I'm going to go see a movie with Ryan tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but I am also looking forward to it as well. I just wish I had more confidence in myself.. One moment I'll feel like I can take on the whole world, and then I will recieve the slightest push... It makes me fall apart. I want to crawl back into my little, dark corner and hide.

I'd like to think of my life as some sort of adventure. No matter how tough things get, I will come out strong and.. happy. I never let it occur to myself that those things take work. Hard work. Sometimes I don't feel like working that hard to get something. It makes me want to scream at myself. It's so pathetic.. and I still find myself feeling that way.

I watched The Last Samurai last night. I thought that that was a really good movie. I don't know about everyone else, but whenever I watch a movie.. I really get drawn into it. If it has my attention, then I will just let myself ride along with it. I did that with The Last Samurai.. and I think it changed something in me. A little sad to say that a -movie- changed your life, but I think I can honestly say that it had that sort of an effect on me. I found myself wanting to become a better person.. -I- wanted to live for something and believe in it with my whole being. I wanted to be able to feel the strong honor of living as best.. as you possibly can. I would never have the discipline to be able to do some of those things, but I still want to try. Even if it is just for a little bit.. I want to try and regain my honor back. I want to be looked at with respect. I want to be able to feel like I am truly worth something, and that I am not simply this disgusting excuse for a person..

Alyssa called me a 'bum' in school. Yeah.. I'm a grade A bum alright.. I never come to school, and I don't do anything around the house. Yet I still get money on the weekends. Sometimes I feel like I can't live with myself. I feel as if the shame of it all is just to great to bare, and I so dearly wish I could just end it all.. If I were a Samurai.. I would have committed Sepuku a long, long time ago. Eh.. I hope I spelt that right.

Well.. I know that I will have no problem writing a lot in this new journal of mine. For those of you who still keep reading.. I thank you. Heh. I bet it's a good bore every now and then. Especially since I have a habit of repeating myself..

Quote of the night:

"We all want to live. And in large part we make our logic according to what we like. But not having attained our aim and continuing to live is cowardice. This is a thin dangerous line. To die without gaining one's aim IS a dog's death and fanaticism. But there is no shame in this. This is the substance of the Way of the Samurai. If by setting one's heart right every morning and evening, one is able to live as though his body were already dead, he gains freedom in the Way. His whole life will be without blame, and he will succeed in his calling."

Yes. This is where I will be posting my journal from now on. I'll most likely stop doing entries on livejournal, because I think it would be a bit tedious to go back and forth to update both of these things.

Welp.. I hope you like the new look. Somewhat bleak, but I like it. I might change it around a bit more, though. -Shrugs.-